HERSTORY: Seeing Yourself in a New Way

From the bitterness of disease, man learns the sweetness of health.
       - Catalan Proverb 

I am preparing a new patient packet for my new endocrinologist.  She is located only 2 miles away, and she has been vetted by three other Cushies in the area.  So, I sit here at 3 am gathering my photos, lab results, letters, imaging reports. I decided to rework my photo summary.

I always find the process of summarizing my life in photos very discombobulating.  I see images of myself, and I wonder where that person went.  It makes me very sad.  I see the weight pile on, especially during the 2000s, and it is hard to distinguish the person I am from the body that traps me.  I find that it is not as much about the weight that I've gained and my drastic change in appearance--as evidenced clearly in these photos--but it is the life that has slipped away over the years as time progressed and I became more sick. I feel like a remnant of my old self.  I am hoping that soon, I'll be able to rejoin the trajectory of the exciting life I was building before Cushing's struck my life with such a vengence. Of course, I know that while detoured, my life will soon snap back into the part of my trajectory that was meant to be.  Lucky for me, I will be bringing my husband and miracle baby along for the ride. 

~moxie melissa

To make my photo summary, I used Google Picasa.  It is very easy.  

1. select the photos you want to use in a collage
2. upload them into a new album and name it 2010 Cushing's collage so you can find it later
3. one by one, open each photo. 
4. crop each photo to include your face from the top of the head to the bottom of the chin. this will make all the photos look uniform as well as focusing on the drastic changes of your face.
5. place the photos in chronological order by dragging and dropping them into the right order.
6. hit the collage button at the bottom toolbar, 
7. select the type of collage, then same size photos.
8. select create collage.  
9. eliminate any distracting colors by making the entire collage black and white. There is a button on the left panel.
10. select the width between the photos and background color. I like a small width with a black background. I think it makes the photos pop.
11. Add text for the dates above each photo.

• put your cursor on the first photo in the college. click on top of the photo.
• go to the icons on the left panel, choose the big T for text, type the year. 
• use your cursor to reposition each text box to touch the top of each photo in the middle, so it would all look uniform. Just drag and drop. 
• Repeat until you have a box for every photo. 

Before and After Photos

Pulling together this timeline of photographs was the most difficult part of being sick for me. It's the toughest even while considering everything I have gone through to get diagnosed:

• all the midnight and 4 am blood draws


• the PICC line that aggravated by arm veins and made my arm go numb


• lying on my bad back, being still in the MRI tubes for over an hour at a time, twice


• having the IPSS while wide awake


• all those doctors appointments where I would have to start telling my story from scratch in hope that this time, someone would believe me
• all the uncomfortable moments when I felt people didn't believe that I was really sick (just fat).

Gathering my photos and posting them reminds me of a life interrrupted.

It reminds me of a life that was filled with insecurity and self-hatred over my body.

Even though I am smiling in these photographs--and probably was smiling when I saw friends and family, I know how much I have struggled with my weight since I was a teenager... How much I worked and worried trying to look 'presentable' and 'good enough' for every event I ever had to attend.
I'd gain weight and not really know why, but I continued to act like it didn't bother me. 

It bothered me.

As a feminist, I hated these negative thoughts. Even so, I could not stop them. I knew better than to think like that, and my friends never really knew that was happening in my head. These photos symbolized years of being insecure and wondering if being overweight meant being unlovable.
I endured the emotions that accompanied this project because I know it would help depict my struggles with weight in an undeniable way, and that with the right medical team, it would make a difference.
Now, despite my size, I know I didn't do this to myself.

I didn't let myself go.

I wasn't lazy.

I didn't eat too much.

More importantly, I trusted my instincts and I didn't give up.

I have much more forgiveness for myself than I could have ever found otherwise. I attribute that to my Cushing's diagnosis. And for that, I am thankful to this journey.

~Cushie Melissa

P.S. And for those of you going through the Cushing's diagnosis battle yourself, please know that I know how heartbreaking it is to see your former selves and compare them to your current self.
Do it anyway. You may be on your way to changing your life and finally feeling better.

******************************

1994

1996

1999 (face gets fuller)

2000 (my highest weight up to that point)

2003  (after Atkins diet success)

2005  (fuller face, weight gain,
irregular periods, anxiety)

2006
truncal obesity

Feb 2007

April 2007 -  fuller face

May 2007