Saturday, January 30, 2010

What would you say YES to if you weren't always saying NO?

Late last night, when we usually head to sleep due to the exhaustion of our days, my husband went to HBO on Demand unannounced and selected a movie. No discussion. No hesitation. Not like him at all.  We forewent the usual pre-movie debate that ends with us not watching any move at all. He chose, and we watched, Yes Man.

Jim Carrey stars as Carl Allen, a guy whose life is going nowhere—the operative word being “no”—until he signs up for a self-help program based on one simple covenant: say yes to everything…and anything. Unleashing the power of “YES” begins to transform Carl’s life in amazing and unexpected ways.

What would you say YES to if you weren't always saying NO? 

Not only am I so unexpectedly moved by this simple notion, but I felt compelled to share this new 'attitude' with my fellow Cushies who struggle each day with all the NOs that life with Cushing's has thrown us--physical and emotional limitations that make us wonder how we will get ourselves through each passing day, and how we will ever evade the guilt we feel for dragging our husbands and children through our misery.

I don't like the life I've settled for in the past few years.

I don't like the overbearing limitations that I feel have been placed upon me, as I struggle to navigate through life among family, friends and a medical community who don't take this rare disease seriously or take the time to understand it.

I don't like the way this disease has changed the person I've always thought I could be.

I will use the dawning of this new decade to stop letting Cushing's control my life more than it already has. I have to continue to live and say yes to life in the face of this terrible and debilitating disease.
I want to feel more in control of what happens to me. I can not let this disease define me. It will always be a part of who I am, but it is not all that I am or all that I will become.

It may sound silly to finally GET IT all from watching a movie. After all, I am really not even a Jim Carrey fan (well, besides Liar Liar and Bruce Almighty). Maybe that is the genius of it all, isn't it? I said YES to a movie that taught me how to say YES to life.
I don't know exactly how good I'll be at this--as I face the uncertainty and ‘unfairness’ of a second pituitary brain surgery and may even another surgery to remove the ultimate cortisol culprits (both adrenal glands  in a BLA).  I will try. 

As I try all this time to find my way back to good health and not lose myself to the life this disease forces on me as well as alllllll the other Cushies, I realize I actually have more command over what happens to me than I thought.  That concept--while difficult to self-cloak—will lead me out of the darkness of disease and into the light of possibility and opportunity. And I'll finally learn that this disease has made me a better person that I ever thought I could or would be.

And don’t we all need a little more of that in our days?

Wishing you and yours a good week, a good month, and a good year.
~Moxie Melissa